The Practice
Last month, the surgeon general called for recognition of the many stressors faced by today’s parents. Tucked amidst the daunting list of challenges was “the modern practice of time-intensive parenting and contemporary expectations around childhood achievement.”
As a follow-up to this timely advisory, your Toolkit team is taking a brief foray into sociology to pull back the curtain on “intensive parenting”, a set of cultural norms widely seen as “ideal” parenting practices in mainstream culture in the United States. The tenants of intensive parenting are so deeply baked into our society that they can be hard to notice; they are simply the waters we all swim in. But take a look at the following beliefs. How many of these do you ascribe to?
Children are inherently precious, innocent, and in need of protection.
Parenting should be child-centered, child-led, and labor-intensive.
Parents are responsible for curating a range of positive enriching experiences for their children. Childhood experiences that are less than optimal are potentially damaging.
Parents’ child-rearing practices are the primary determinants of a child’s outcomes.
These intensive parenting tenants put tremendous pressure on caregivers. But they are not facts. These ideas are cultural mores and, like with any other cultural zeitgeist, it can be helpful to step back and mindfully notice what you actually believe. Perhaps you will conclude that these tenets ring true for you and that by following them, you are parenting in a values-consistent way. But you may also notice areas where you disagree or are ambivalent about these cultural norms, which can free you up to mindfully shift some of your parenting approaches—and in doing so hopefully take off some of the pressure to which the surgeon general refers.
The Reflection
Ask yourself:
Are there any black-and-white parenting “rules” I believe I must adhere to? If so, how did I come to these beliefs?
Would previous generations consider any of my parenting behaviors to be extreme?
Where do I feel the most pressure to be a “good” parent?
If I knew my child would still be okay if I did less ___ (chauffeuring, extracurricular planning, homework help, emotion coaching), would I continue to do it?
Armed with your answers, consider if there are any areas of parenting where your behaviors don’t quite line up with your values. For example, do you personally feel that your child’s afternoons are a bit too busy, but worry that they will miss out if they don’t do a sport, music, or extra-curricular academics? Do you believe that you need to say exactly the right thing every time your child is upset for them to be an emotionally intelligent adult? Do you think that avoiding screen time at all costs is a “healthier” approach?
By mindfully examining our beliefs, we can “gut check” behaviors that become rote over time and assess if they are truly working for us and our families. If you find that you’re deeper in the intensive parenting waters than you want to be, make some small changes to parent in a way that’s more consistent with your personal beliefs and values. The surgeon general called for building momentum to “ultimately shift practices and collective expectations to be more consistent with health and wellbeing.”
Why wait? Let’s start now.
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