Self Compassion

The Practice

During difficult moments, our minds are quick to jump to self-criticism. When we mindfully tune in to these thoughts, it can be striking to notice how harsh our minds can be at times. Self-compassion—the practice of showing ourselves kindness, empathy, and encouragement—in difficult moments is a powerful antidote to the painful self-talk we all engage in at times. Teaching your student to practice self-compassion in both neutral and hard moments will help them learn to shift from reflexive self-criticism to a more empathic, kind way of responding to themselves.

The Language

Here are some sample ways to introduce self-compassion mindfulness to your students:

• When we have a hard time doing something, we sometimes say things to ourselves that are not very nice like, “I’m bad at this!” or, “I’ll never figure this out!” At those times, it’s helpful to practice being kind to ourselves instead. For example, you could say, “This is hard. I’m doing my best.”

• When we’re in a tough situation, we can really get down on ourselves. The trouble is, this usually makes us feel much worse. We’re going to work on showing ourselves kindness when we face problems instead. This will help us get back into a growth mindset when challenges come up. One way to do this is to ask yourself, “What would I say to comfort a friend in this situation? How would I show them kindness and understanding?”

• Our minds are quick to criticize us when we’re having a hard time. For example, my mind often tells me that I should have done a better job on something or that everyone is disappointed with me. What does your mind say to you in tough moments? Once you’ve started to recognize the things your mind says in tough moments, you can flip the script and deliberately show yourself kindness and compassion instead. You should find words that feel good to you personally, but a helpful formula is to first acknowledge the painful experience and your emotions and then to figure out how you can be kind to yourself. For example, I might say to myself, “I am so sad and embarrassed I missed that free throw. This is a really hard moment. I’m going to focus on showing myself kindness as I move through this by taking a deep breath and getting settled for the next shot instead of beating myself up about it.”

• Research shows that many people think they can motivate themselves through self-criticism. They believe that if they are hard on themselves, they’ll perform better. Some people even think that if they show themselves kindness, it would make them weak or work less hard. Actually, self-criticism is a terrible motivator. It tends to make us feel anxious, discouraged, and burned out. A more helpful way to motivate ourselves when we’re struggling is through self-compassion. To show yourself compassion, acknowledge the difficulty you are facing, and then show yourself kindness. For example, you might say to yourself, “I am so hurt that I wasn’t included in the sleepover. For this moment, I’m going to be as kind and gentle to myself as I can be. I’ll take some deep breaths and mindfully get off Instagram so I can give my brain and emotions a well-deserved break.”

We hope you find these suggestions useful. Have a wonderful and mindful week!