In the previous edition of the Toolkit, we introduced the idea of “action urges” that accompany our emotions. In this edition, we teach a skill that can help when action urges lead us to act in counterproductive ways.
The Practice
The action urges that come with our emotions serve an important purpose. For example, fear urges us to run away and escape what scares us. If we are facing a real threat, like a car speeding toward us while we cross the street, it is very useful to have the urge to run. However, we can also feel fear when we are not facing a real danger. If we act on our urge to escape when there is not a true threat, we can create problems for ourselves, such as letting down our teammates if we skip a game due to fears about how we might perform.
Enter Opposite Action! In moments when our feelings and urges are screaming at us to act, but we know that might not be in our best interest, the skill of opposite action offers a powerful way to shift our emotions. Opposite action is an appropriate skill to use when:
The emotion we are feeling does not “fit the facts” of the situation. For example, you feel terror at the idea of shooting a free throw in front of everyone, but the ball and your teammates do not pose any danger to you. Mild performance anxiety might fit the facts, but terror does not.
The emotion is not working for you. In other words, it is too intense, has lasted too long, or, acting on the emotion is not in your best interest. For example, feeling sad if you are not invited to a party is a natural reaction to not receiving something you wanted. However, if your sadness is so intense that you refuse to speak with the host and avoid them for weeks, the emotion is too intense and has lasted too long. As another example, if someone cuts you off in traffic you might feel angry; however, acting on that anger by chasing the other driver down and attacking their car is likely not in your best interest.
So what is opposite action? The skill consists of intentionally doing the opposite of your action urge (if the emotion causing the urge does not fit the facts or is not working for you!). Here are some examples of opposite action:
Emotion | Action Urge | Opposite Action |
Anxiety/Fear Sadness Anger Shame | Avoid Withdraw Attack Hide | Approach Get active, engage Gently avoid, be decent Be open |
Opposite action requires that you mindfully choose to take control of your behavior to try to shift your emotion. For example, if you are feeling anxious ahead of an event filled with unfamiliar people and know your urges to avoid are not working for you, acting opposite might look like walking in with your head held high, a big smile on your face, and making a point to introduce yourself to several new people. If you are feeling shame about not achieving a goal and recognize that disappointment might more accurately fit the facts, opposite action might look like opening up to someone about what happened and seeking advice on what to try differently next time.
The key to opposite action is to do it ALL THE WAY. If you walk into the party, but skirt around the edges of the room and avoid eye contact with others, you are unlikely to experience a reduction in anxiety. If you open up after not achieving a goal, but spend the conversation badmouthing yourself, your shame will likely not decrease. So if you decide to use opposite action as a skill it is important to fully commit!
Feeling skeptical? Decades of research tell us that by consistently approaching situations we fear, or by getting active when depression tells us to withdraw, we can actually change our emotions—becoming less anxious or depressed over time. This principle is the cornerstone of most evidence-based treatments for anxiety and depression and you can harness its power too!
The Language
For younger students: We recently learned how emotions come with urges to act. These urges are normal and often helpful! Sometimes though, acting on our urges can make us more upset or turn a bad situation worse. When we suspect acting on our urges will cause problems, it can be helpful to “act opposite.” Let’s say you feel scared of speaking in front of the class and anxiety is telling you to speak quietly, not look at anyone, or even hide in the bathroom. Opposite action would be doing the exact opposite of that—volunteer to go first, look everyone in the eye, stand up straight and proud, and speak in a loud confident voice. Let’s practice some brave, confident poses and voices now so we are ready to act opposite the next time anxiety tries to push us around.
For older students: We’ve been learning to recognize emotions and the action urges that accompany them. Now we’re going to level up and learn how to “act opposite” to our urges to shift our emotions. Opposite action is a great skill to use when the emotion you’re feeling doesn’t fit the facts of the situation or isn’t working for you. In other words, the emotion is too intense, has hung around for too long, or is pushing you to act in ways that aren’t in your best interest. When this is the case, doing the opposite of your action urge can help decrease the intensity of your emotion.
For example, let’s say you feel really angry about something a peer said and you notice an action urge to yell at them. That urge may make sense, but acting on it in the middle of science would likely not be in your best interest. Similarly, if you are still stewing on their comment two weeks later, the emotion is hanging around too long. So this is a great time to try acting opposite to anger by intentionally speaking to them in a calm tone, gently smiling, or even politely avoiding them if that’s your most effective option. You will be amazed at how acting opposite can help decrease the emotion that’s no longer working for you. One key tip is that you must do this all the way! If you gently smile at the peer while saying nasty things about them on social media you are not going to feel less angry! So you have to fully commit to acting opposite.
Let’s each pick an emotion we anticipate feeling in the coming week—and that we know doesn’t fit the facts or work for us—and plan out how we can act opposite to decrease its intensity.
Adapted From: Rathus, J. H., & Miller, A. L. (2015). DBT®skills manual for adolescents. Guilford Press.
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