The Practice
As we barrel into the fall season, life seems to get busier and busier. The school year with its academic work, extra-curriculars, and socializing is well underway. There is a lot of fun, but a corresponding increase in demands as well—whether it’s more homework, tricky social dynamics to navigate, or just the go-go-go of having a full schedule.
In these moments, it’s easy to start acting on “auto-pilot,” or from a space where we’re just moving quickly through our days, reacting to what is going on around us without much thought or reflection. This might look like getting stuck in unhelpful patterns of behavior and thoughts or can take the form of angry, frustrated outbursts in which we just react to the stressor in front of us without pausing to check in and consider our options. Enter the STOP skill!*
The STOP Skill is a handy visual and acronym that helps us remember to pause, reflect, and consider before proceeding. This tool can help in moments of high emotion to help us slow down or in times we find ourselves getting stuck in an unhelpful pattern of thinking or action. Read on for details and some ideas to practice STOP.
Stop - Do not react. Stop! Freeze! Do not move a muscle! Your emotions may try to make you act without thinking. Stay in control!
Take a step back - Step back from the situation. Take a break. Take a deep breath. Do not let your feelings make you act impulsively.
Observe - Notice what is going on inside and outside you. What is the situation? What are your thoughts and feelings? What are others saying or doing?
Proceed mindfully - Act with awareness. In deciding what to do, consider your thoughts and feelings, the situation, and other people’s thoughts and feelings. Think about your goals. Ask yourself: Which actions will make it better or worse?
The Language
Pre-k to Grade 2
It seems like there are some big feelings right now! Let’s practice using our STOP tool to slow things down. First, let’s stop. I know you’re __ [angry, worried, etc], and at the same time, I know you can make your body freeze for just a minute. Don’t move a muscle! Nice work.
Second, let’s take a step back. This might be a real step away from a friend or a step back in your mind. For example, maybe flip the frustrating worksheet over and look out the window.
Next, let’s observe what’s happening in us and around us. Do you notice any emotions? What’s happening with your body? Is your mind saying anything to you? Now notice what’s going on around you. Try to just describe what you see without making any guesses. For example, you could notice, “My friend is crying on the other side of the playground. Our ball is down the hill.” That tells you a lot more than making guesses like, “My friend is over there because they are mean and don’t want to play soccer.”
Last, carefully decide what you want to do next. Will your choice make the situation better or worse?
Nice work trying that tool! The next time you’re in a situation like this, it can be helpful to imagine a stop sign in your mind to remind you to pause and think through the situation before acting.
Grades 3 to 8
There is a lot going on this time of year! When we start to feel overwhelmed or frustrated, it’s easy to get stuck in unhelpful patterns like grumbling or just reflecting on the hard parts of a situation. This is a normal, natural experience, but it can make an already tough situation feel even worse. When I find myself getting stuck in unhelpful patterns, I find it helpful to stop for a minute and do a quick check-in. Will you try that with me?
First, literally, stop. It can be hard when you’re feeling ___ [frustrated, stressed, etc], but taking a moment to pause helps us make sure our feelings aren’t controlling us.
Second, take a step back. This might look like a break from a frustrating assignment or putting your phone down before sending an angry text back. You can return to the situation in a minute, but first, take a few seconds to check-in.
Next, observe what’s happening both inside and outside of yourself. Internally, what emotions can you notice? Are you feeling your emotions anywhere in your body? What thoughts, judgments, or worries are showing up? Are you getting caught up in any unhelpful thought patterns? Also notice—really notice, without judgment—what is going on around you. Try to just describe the facts of the situation without making assumptions.
Finally, consider your feelings, the situation, and others’ feelings to decide what to do next. It can be helpful here to ask yourself what actions will make the situation better or worse. For example, if you notice that you just keep focusing on the negative parts of a situation, consider if that’s making the situation better or worse. If worse, brainstorm with yourself about how you might respond differently. Now that we’ve had a chance to STOP, what do you think is the wisest course of action?
*From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition, by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan.
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