The previous edition of the Toolkit focused on noticing and naming emotions. Our next two will build on those foundational skills. We will cover the urges that come with our emotions (part 1) and what to do when those urges lead us to act in counterproductive ways (part 2). Let’s get to it!
The Practice
Every emotion comes with a hardwired “action urge.” These urges can differ a little from person to person, but for the most part, all humans experience similar urges when they feel a big feeling. These urges include:
Emotion | Action Urge |
Anxiety/Fear Sadness Anger Shame Guilt Envy | Action Urge Avoid Withdraw Attack Hide Hide Sabotage/Criticize |
There is nothing wrong with having the urge to withdraw when you are sad or wanting to attack when you’re angry. That’s just your brain doing its hardwired thing. For example, you might notice that you are feeling nervous about an upcoming speech and wish that you could avoid it. Noticing and naming those feelings and urges and using a tool to manage them if needed makes room for the feelings and your experience, but also allows you to make a mindful, effective choice about your next steps.
However, as we have all likely experienced, this is easier said than done. Emotions and action urges are powerful. All too often, we can get swept up and find ourselves acting on our emotional urges. When an action urge crosses the line into counterproductive behavior,* tough situations can get even stickier. This week, we are focusing on language for just noticing action urges. In our next edition, we will delve into what to do next.
*i.e. When the action urge doesn’t fit the facts of the situation. If you are facing off with a mountain lion and have the action urge to run away—RUN! The urge fits the facts. More on this in Part 2 ...
The Language
For younger students: We have been practicing noticing our emotions and trying to name them. Today we are going to add to that. To start, let’s talk about how each emotion we feel naturally pairs with a certain type of action. We often call these “urges.” For example, when you are angry what do you usually do? How about when you are sad? Scared? Notice that even though everyone gave slightly different examples, we all described similar urges for each emotion. When we’re angry, humans typically want to attack—this might be stomping, growling, yelling, or even pushing. When we’re sad, we tend to pull back and keep to ourselves. When we’re scared, we try to stay away from the situation that scares us.
These responses are totally normal and just part of how our brains work. Sometimes though, it can feel like these urges are bossing us around and making us do things that don’t help the situation in the long run. We are going to practice noticing and naming our feelings and then noticing the urges that come with them before we act.
Let’s start by thinking of a time when we had a big feeling. What was it? What urge came with it? I want you to try to notice three other times in the next week that you have a big emotion. Notice and name the feeling and then get curious about what your brain is telling you to do in response. In other words, what's your urge?
For older students: We recently talked about how recognizing and naming emotions is an impactful way to stay in the driver’s seat when big feelings show up. Today we are going to take that a step further and learn about the “action urges” that accompany our feelings. Essentially, our amazing brain comes hardwired with certain behavioral responses for each emotion. For example, when we are angry, we have the urge to attack. When we are scared, we have the urge to avoid. We have evolution to thank for this—by being able to rapidly act to escape or defend ourselves our ancestors were more likely to stay alive. As another example, we tend to withdraw and isolate when we are sad. This is helpful because it sends a message to our community that we need support.
Sometimes, however, these urges do not fit the facts of a situation and cause us to act in a way that makes things worse. We’re going to talk more about how to handle that soon, but for now, we’re going to practice just noticing our action urges when they come up. Strengthening that mindful muscle will give us more agency in choosing how to act in the future.
Let’s start by each reflecting on a recent emotionally intense experience. What was your emotion? What urge came with it? Did you act on it? In the next week, aim to notice three other times that feelings get big. Name the emotion you’re experiencing and then get curious about what your brain is telling you to do in response. What's your action urge?
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