The Practice
We’ve all been there. A child under our care becomes dysregulated and we’re eager to suggest a breathing technique we just learned in The Toolkit. We optimistically instruct the child in the steps they should take to achieve regulation only to be met with a glare, a scowl, or a scream that says, in not so many words, “You think Hot Chocolate Breathing is going to help right now!?”Despite our best intentions, it seems we’ve only made things worse.
We are all for utilizing a regulating strategy when a child is able and willing to give it a try. But when a moment is really hot, suggesting a solution can backfire, especially when what is really needed is the space in which that heat can dissipate. Sometimes, less can be so much more, and the best strategy is to simply back away for a bit.
As we touched on last issue, as caregivers we often feel pressure to say the right thing or implement the perfect strategy. But the truth is that kids are resilient and some actually learn how to regulate more effectively when they just have time and space to work through their big emotions, rather than lots of parental chatter.
One psychologist and friend of The Toolkit tells parents to imagine they have to pay a dollar for every word they say to a child in that dysregulated state. We find this to be a helpful way to remember that less is often more when the goal is to offer space supportively. We offer below a few simple words that we hope can do this effectively.
The Language
For younger students:
“This is a tough moment. I’m here when you’re ready.”
“I’m so sorry you're feeling this way. Let’s take a walk and see if we can burn off some of this energy.”
“Things feel really hard right now, huh? I’m going to give you some space, but I will check on you in a few moments.”
For older students:
“I’m sorry. I’m here for you.”
“I’m here to help. I’m going to stay close by and anytime you are ready to talk, just let me know.”
“I understand that this feels challenging. I’m going to give you some space now as a first step. I’ll be ready to take the next step with you whenever you feel up to it but there is no rush.”
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